Men Have to Stay Hideous

nottooproudIt’s funny how women are expected to use makeup and all sorts of products and devices to ‘put on their face’ and stay pretty. But how it’s expected for, as my wife jokingly says, men have to stay hideous (though my wife thinks I’m ‘all that’ as the kids say).

Am I less of a man b/c I age? Wasn’t there a time when mature men were honored and gray hair meant wisdom? Has the Silver Fox been treed by the howling hounds of hipsterism?

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There’s such a taboo on men using hair dye or Rogaine or other products to fight aging or look better… whatever you want to call it. When I first looking into Rogaine, I was surprised to see that it was mailed with ‘discreet shipping.’ Is this

porn? Am I to understand I should beashamed of this?

Recently I got a nose hair trimmer. I ordered it online and fortunately it came in a discreet box so my mail carrier knows not my monstrous shame. Decades ago, I wanted to get one. I went to Service Merchandise (remember that place?). I found one, but as with many of their products, I had to bring the number to the counter.

imagesThere was a cute girl working the register and I imagined the torturous wait as I stood their begging for it to slide down faster from the caverns back warehouse. I couldn’t bear it. I left without ordering it. For the employees to know that a grotesque male was pitifully trying to mask his form was too much for me. My hideousness would continue.

When my hair started to thin, I denied it to myself. I can’t be! But there’s nothing that can be done… for I am man.

When my beard started to gray, I stopped growing it. I tried to accept myself… not possible. Disgusting.

I finally started using Rogaine a few years ago… baby steps. I’m still hideous, but it will hope stem the tide of my slide into becoming a monster. Allow me to hold on to a few more days of youth and awesomeness – because isn’t being young (or looking like it) what it’s all about? Or is it?


Then a funny thing happened. I gave up a bit and grew my beard (honestly, I just stopped shaving and a beard is apparently a side effect. Who knew?). My wife was fine w/ it, but she had a condition: dye it. To her, it was no big deal. She wanted it darker and there’s a solution. Say whu?

I agreed and dyed it. Partially b/c I was going as Jase Robertson for Halloween, part b/c the wife wanted it and part b/c… I wanted to. I admit my SIN!

No one really noticed. I got away with it! What’s next? Crack? Murder? We’ll see.

But for now the next thing was… nose hair trimmer! I had a wild hair driving me crazy. Inspired by my wife I sought the only other solution I could think of besides snorting a match flame.

I ordered it, got it, used it. Done. No laughing, pointing bullies jumped out of the closet. Not even the second time – yes, my ugliness returns. It grows.

We fight age at every turn w/ medicine, surgery, exercise, diet and more. But if a man masks his homeliness, it’s a crime against nature.

NO LONGER! We bathe, we clothe – we already hide in ‘acceptable’ forms… let us now fight our ugly without shame!

Or not, do what you want. Accepting it and not really caring is fine too. Who are you trying to impress? 😉

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